JB’s Mini Movie Reviews

JB’s Mini Movie Reviews

ALADDIN (2019)

The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air is a Smurf in a gravy boat, there is much singing, in fact loads of singing. Followed by some more singing. With a dash of singing. All directed by the bloke who made Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels which had no singing in but lots of swearing. It is actually quite good in a singing toe tapping way. Not an F-Bomb in sight though. 

RATING: THREE AND A HALF SMURFS OUT OF FIVE! 

GODZILLA: KING OF THE MONSTERS (2019)

Review: Cheesy plot involving what looks like a 1980’s portable DVD player with a some wavy lines. Godzilla smashes shit up. Fights three headed thing with giant Moth thing in mega mashup. MAN IN A SUIT! MAN IN A SUIT! Ends with cheesy rock Godzilla song. ABSOLUTELY BRILLIANT! 

RATING: FIVE MOTHS OUT OF FIVE! 

JOHN WICK: CHAPTER 3 (2019)

REVIEW: John Wick is in a load of shit. Kills a bloke using a book. Kills a load of folk with knives. Kills folk on a Horse. Kills a load of folk with Halle Berry. Kills a load of folk with guns. Kills a load more folk. HI YA CHOP! AWESOMENESS! 

RATING: FOUR CHOPS OUT OF FIVE!

AVENGERS: ENDGAME (2019)

REVIEW: The world is screwed. Captain Marvel shows up and they piss off to lop Thanos head off. World is still screwed as Thanos has broke them shiny stones. A drunk Rat presses a button on an old van releasing Ant-man from that weird place. Ant-man invents time travel. Thor is fat. The Hulk is smart. Ironman is all happy and shit. They all piss off back in time to nab the stones in the past to return things back to not being screwed. They go all Back To The Future and bump into themselves. Captain America has a nice arse. Black Widow karks it off a cliff. Geeks cry. Tony Stark bumps into his Dad. Geeks cry. They get all the stones. Back To The Future Thanos gets smart to the plan after banging his robot daughters head around and her eye plays a video from the future. He gets some time juice. Turns up for big brawl to get his shiny stones back. Shit snaps back and Spider-Man, Black Panther and every other character turns up for a ruck. Captain America grabs Thor’s hammer. Geeks cry.  Ironman dies killing Thanos. Geeks really cry. Ironman has a funeral. Geeks really really cry. Captain America goes back in time to return the shiny stones, doesn’t come back but is sat on a bench as an old man. Geeks weep. Film ends with Captain America having a nice dance with his wife in the past. GEEKS CRY RIVERS OF TEARS! AMAZING!

RATING: FIVE SHINY STONES OUT OF FIVE!